TORIES IN TROUBLE: Don't Forget the Matches!

Scottish Green Party leader shouts out to PM Mc-Cameron

When Nigel Farage allegedly swept the fringe elements out of UKIP (which if true would leave it somewhat bereft of members), it seems they may have decanted, in spirit at least, to their old home in the Tory Party. Perhaps a bit like the offspring returning after three years joshing in the Bullingdon. At any rate, the last few days have seen the torch of trouble pass from the Faragistas to the Tories, demonstrating just how ludicrously removed from normal people they really are.

First, Aidan Burley, stalwart of the Hugo Boss appreciation society, announced he would (goose) step down from being an MP. This came after it emerged that, contrary to his claim that he left the infamous Nazi "stag in the forest" party before his friends started shouting their ever-so-funny mein fuhrer chants, photos existed of him still present during the Hitlerite banter.

Next, today, came Dave SuperMc-Cameron, the Man with Seven Months to Save the Union! He desperately wants the Scots to stay part of the UK. If they leave, he says, it will tear Britain apart. And of course, that just won't do, since that's David's job.

Tearfully (not), he delivered an ode to his ancestral homeland, revealing that "Cameron" is gaelic for "crooked nose", which seems rather appropriate. Keen to reinforce the sense of belonging together, to show his deep empathy for the hills and humans of Caledonia, he made the long and arduous journey to...the Olympic Park in the East End of London to deliver his homily to unity. This led to Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond mocking his continuing refusal to debate with him face to face in Scotland, while Scottish Green Party leader Patrick Harvie tweeted "What's that David? I can't hear you from there. Why not come here and say that?"

Yet Cameron apparently refuses to intervene in the Scottish referendum. His speech was supposedly directed to the people of Wales, England and Northern Ireland. But although Dave won't be seen talking to Wee 'Eck Salmond for reasons of lofty statesmanship (!), The Times newspaper, The Voice of the Establishment, suggested he would like the rest of us to phone up family and friends in Scotland and ask them please to vote No to independence.

Hello Ma, it's me!
Oh, hello, we've not heard from you in a while son...
Aye, well, David Cameron asked me to call you.
Oh, that's nice of him. Why's that?
Well, he says we're better together.
Oh that's lovely son. We'll be on the next train down there...
**@@!!#  Cameron!
(dialing tone sound)

It may be something he borrowed from his Lib Dem vassals. Apparently a while back the centrist Orcs thought it would be a great idea to programme their computers to deliberately dial a quarter of a million random numbers and play people a speech from Nick Clegg. Truly terrifying. At least Dave wants real people to make the calls. And Aidan has got some time on his hands now, as long as he can stop them jerking skywards.

But topping it all was this gem, reported in The Scotsman newspaper. Tory MP for Penrith & The Borders, Rory Stewart, wants a human chain of 100,000 English people to stand on Hadrian's Wall with fiery torches in the belief this will encourage Scots to vote against leaving Britain. Steve Arnott of The Point has suggested that this is more reminiscent of Lord of the Rings than political debate, but either way, it would be hard to imagine a more chilling scene than legions of Barbour wearing, green wellied chaps, probably complete with an arsenal of shooting sticks, lined up along the course of the ancient Roman barrier. And then, just as the dark purple twilight falls gently on the silent hills...THEY LIGHT THE TORCHES!

If anyone in Scotland still doubted the case for independence, they almost certainly wouldn't any longer.

Gosh! Awfully difficult finding this Scotchland place. Must be here somewhere...

The midgie in the ointment for Mr Stewart's big idea is that, although he is the local MP, he seems to have forgotten that Hadrian's Wall is situated some miles from the Scottish Border. So in fact, his Angle horde would be waving their flames at their own countryside. Unless, of course, they want to give Berwick back to Scotland, and a fair chunk of Newcastle.

In any case, as the beautiful area around Hadrian's Wall has just been declared a "dark skies park" where lights are banned so you can see the stars clearly, their torches would need to be extinguished even faster than Cameron's credibility north of the border.

But in the event that in spite of all reason it happens, I do hope if Aidan goes along to join in no one mentions taking a bedsheet with his fiery stick. You know, for a "fancy dress" party...

Hadrian's Wall has been declared Europe's largest Dark Skies Park. No flaming torches please.